November 2012. Protecting.

November adalah bulan dimana stressor di sekitar saya kembali memuncak, dan diwarnai dengan denial dari diri saya sendiri. Sulit rasanya mengakui bahwa penelitian saya sepanjang bulan Oktober entah bagaimana mengalami kegagalan. Semakin sulit karena saya membawa dua orang adik kelas bersama saya, dan saya jadi merasa tidak bisa melindungi kepercayaan mereka. 

Tapi semakin sulit lagi saat menemukan bahwa semua itu terjadi bukan karena kebetulan, melainkan karena memang ada oknum tertentu yang membuat penelitian saya jadi demikian.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-think you can bring me down?-

 

Actually i was laughing when i wrote this title,
Very funny,
Yet, veeeery interesting story,

Think we should make it a drama?
Let's give it a title: "i dislike you so i don't want you to succeed,"

Look here, i am laughing,
I mean, oh My God, you really go a very long way just to sabotage me?
Oh my,
You must really care about me,
And i am impressed,

This is the very first time in my life i got someone risking his/her innocence just to make me fail,
Wow,
Look it's reeeally wonderful thing,
I mean, you have some courage, big courage,
Here i am, clasping at you,
Excellent work,
Veeery good indeed,

God i wish i can stop laughing while i am writing this post,
Oh my,
I am so delighted,
Having someone so care about me,
And let me learn that experiment indeed a very risky thing,
You voluntarily made me learn that i have to keep my guard up,

How can i thank you?
If you want me to thank you by stop smiling and (maybe) laughing, you got zero with you bro/sis,
Because it is very funny story we're having right here,

Okay, fine with that?
Well, alright, let's make it straight,
Ehem...
If you want to bring me down so badly, you need to know the key,
The key to make me desperate, you know, not the key to make me failed,

I suppose you think i am going to be desperate?
What? Who? Me?
Come on, stop making me laugh,
Scratch like that will never ever kill me,
Noooo never ever kill me,

It will just make me laugh,
Like this,

So, since you have played the pawn then it is my turn,
I will make you desperate,
By getting what you think i can't get,

Think i will be crying?
Oh please... who do you think you're dealing with?
Some ordinary girls out there?
So I'd like to say that you're miscalculated for taking me as a victim,
Why? Because you're dealing with an extra ordinary girl right here,
A girl that absolutely grows stronger when she failed,

You know, i like to make people who hate me to hate me more,
It is a very interesting mission for me,

Needless to say, i am going to make you hate me more,
By succeed,

So, let me kiss you with all my love i have today,
Because today somebody has made me triple times stronger than he/she thinks i am,

Muach..!! <3>
:-*

 

#np Eyes Open (Taylor Swift)

100% picturing me at this state.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lucu memang, justru setelah selama dua minggu saya mengalami denial, penemuan tentang masalah sabotase ini malah membuat saya tersenyum. Bagaimana tidak? Sabotasenya dilakukan dengan amat sangat rapi dan nyaris tidak ada celah yang membuat saya menyadari adanya tersangka alias culprit. Hal semacam itu hanya bisa dilakukan dengan amat sangat hati-hati, dan tanpa analisis yang jeli, saya tidak akan menemukan hal tersebut.

Siapapun dia yang melakukan hal tersebut pada saya, saya sih bisa aja memaafkan, toh saya sudah ngulangi lagi dari awal dan alhamdulillah sejauh ini lancar, jauh lebih lancar dari dulu. Tapi saya tidak bisa memaafkan dia membuat dua orang adik saya desperate sampai seperti itu. 

Kalo memang dia ndak suka sama saya, kenapa kok pake mbuat dua adik saya ikutan gagal? Kenapa dia gak lebih canggih sedikit sehingga cuman saya yang gagal sementara dua adik saya berhasil? Justru kalo saya doang yang gagal sementara dua adik saya berhasil, mungkin saya lebih lama denial-nya lho…

Yah, saya sih percaya karma itu ada, hehehe…

Ada banyak hikmah yang saya ambil dari kejadian ini. Namun satu hal yang paling berharga adalah bahwa akhirnya saya memahami bagaimana dosen pembimbing saya saat S1 dulu menyikapi kekhawatiran saya. Sekhawatir-khawatirnya saya saat itu, dosen pembimbing saya pasti jauh lebih khawatir. Terima kasih ya Dok, bersedia membimbing dan menyemangati saya terus empat tahun lalu :’)

back to Kaleidoscope