January 2012. Losing.

Saya nemu tulisan saya ini pas sedang bersih-bersih leptop. Tulisan ini langsung mencuri perhatian saya dan saya tersenyum simpul saat membacanya. Begitu banyak emosi yang tergambarkan di dalamnya, jadi sepertinya saya memang menulis bukan pake tangan, tapi pake emosi, pada saat itu. Saya masih bisa menangkap kembali emosi macam apa yang saya alami saat itu.

Losing, sama sekali bukan awal yang diharapkan oleh siapapun di dunia ini, apalagi di awal tahun. Tapi itulah yang saya alami. Kejadian istimewa di bulan Januari ini menandai dimulainya kondisi life is never flat buat saya di tahun 2012. 

Tapi saat ini, saya bersyukur mengalami Losing di bulan Januari, kalau tidak ada kejadian ini, mungkin saya tidak akan se­-happy sekarang. A very huge impact though, but I am still alive, a better living instead.

warning: ini postingan yang panjang

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-at that very second-

It was (not) the hardest day in my life,

When my biggest nightmare came true, ah no, even I never had any courage to dream of it,

It’s always so dreadful scary for me,

Yet at that very day, it became reality,

I still remember how it felt, like it’s just happened this morning,

It killed my senses in the very second, made me unable to make any expression on my face,

I doubted I even remembered to blink,

I could imagine my face turned emotionless at that very second,

I still remember how it felt, when something seemed to stab me deeply and I have no strength to pull it out,

It’s an overly strange sensation, like something had been sucked out of my soul, leaving an empty cocoon behind,

At that very second, all my dream, hope and belief were shattered, by the very crashing power they could never handle,

Leaving nothing,

I still remember how it felt, fighting the urge to run away as far as I could,

I never even know how I could hold myself stay at that very place at that very second, and till some minutes after,

I never thought I could even talk back to people and smile with them afterward, whilst deep inside I was just like a walking corpse,

Maybe my emotion was too incomprehensive at that very second so I was somehow tingled and unable to feel anything due to the shock,

That’s right,

It was a huge impact shock,

I was blessed for having no cardiovascular disease so I am still alive to write this down,

All I could do when I was able to separate myself from anyone was to sit down and looked at the blue vast sky, trying to console myself,

All I could think is how, how I could be so numb, unable to feel any breeze cooling me down while the wind blew hard enough,

All I could say to myself is just one completely useless sentence, “atashi… jyannai ka na?”

I focused myself so I wouldn’t fall to the ground, knowing it would be so dreadfully funny if that really happened,

Yet my limbs went weaker and weaker, and I was about to fell down when I realize I need someone to talk to,

The first one I phoned was my mother, the one I always seek for courage and strength, yet by any wonder I couldn’t reach her,

For not letting myself grew weaker, I phoned my classmate, who happened to be around, just to tell her the same completely useless sentence, “not me,” and I asked her to leave me be for a while,

She agreed, after I told her I wasn’t crying,

I tried to phoned my mother again, hoping to find the strength as fast as I could,

Yet still, I couldn’t reach her,

Desperately forcing myself to be in control, I tried my hardest to think clear,

Deep inside I didn’t have any wish to burden anyone with this condition of mine, but I need someone, fast, just to be by my side, right there,

And then my memories flew by, portraying the happiest time I ever had, and I understand who I should call,

One of the very best friends I ever had through my life,

Leaving no more second to be hesitate, I called her, but soon after I hear her voice, I was unable to form a word,

Guess my lips were too tingled to say it aloud, the thing that breaks almost everything of me,

I didn’t have the strength nor did the courage to tell her what happen,

I was afraid to admit it as a reality,

All I could say to her was, “…wouldn’t you want to tell me a story about you?”

I could hear she frowned for hearing my request, and for an instant I remembered she was on duty last night, so all the best I ever could give her is a nice sleep, and that’s why I became more hesitated to say any more words,

Aside, my words were bottled inside, unable to be said,

My heart melted when I heard her asking whether I was alright,

‘I’m not!’ was the screaming voice inside my mind but I restrained myself for yelling it out loud,

‘She was always by my side, since I was in high school, and she never left me alone’ and that one consideration brought me closer to my tears,

I couldn’t stand the frustration as she asked me again whether I was alright, the tears had found their way to well up my eyes and it was ready to fall,

“Just tell me anything, anything, so I can forget, so I will not cry…” was the next sentence trailed off my throat, and I could hear she was shocked in silence,

The point of me crying was the point when she said, “I’ll be there soon, just wait for me, okay?”

Two teardrops had fallen before I ready to hold it back, I could feel all the emotionless state I had been in was swept away, being replaced by a huge surge of sadness, fear and disbelief,

And hatred,

How much I hate myself for being like that, how much I hate myself for crying,

And because of that hatred, I found my way back to the same emotionless state, and pulled back my fresh smiling face I used to serve to everyone,

And I walked back to the crowd, I let myself blend in the routine I had to do, I pushed myself meeting my classmates and laughed at them for worrying over me (because I called them earlier),

I guess I did a very great job, since nobody sense the waterfall falling behind my laughter,

For more miracles I did at that morning, I miraculously took my time to consult to my professor about my thesis theme,

I consider myself a weak person, but looking back at myself that day, I guess I was a very strong one,

Strong enough to hide my emotion behind my professionalism,

But I was soon become myself when my best friend found me later,

She asked me what happened, and I felt my face heated up, ready for the bursting tears,

But I hold back,

I didn’t want her to see me cry,

Yet she asked me to cry it out, once she knew what happened,

She knew how much it affected me, how deep in stabbed me, and how painful it hurt me,

As she stayed by my side through the whole afternoon, I found my strong wall was degraded little by little, leaving only the fragile me to be seen,

Two hours since she came and sat beside me, I cried,

It wasn’t a full out cries but it was enough,

I could feel the whole shattered pieces hurt me from all direction, and it was connotatively making me bleed all over,

I never experienced such pain, such fear, such desperation,

Such a surge to cry,

For the very first time in my life, I felt grateful that time never stop, because I needed all the pain, fear, and every bad feeling to slowly drifted away from me,

I needed my self-composure again,

I couldn’t bear seeing myself like that and I wish I could get up and find that it was all just a nightmare and never was a reality,

Yet it was a reality,

I came along with the same state of emotion hours later, when my family and friends caught up the news and one by one, everyone was asking me whether I was alright,

I could feel my heart broke, having no right to say that I was alright, yet I didn’t want to worry anyone,

So I told them I was alright,

But I guess everyone knew it was the hardest day I was stumbling upon,

I knew they understood my wavering emotion and they gave me my space to be alone for a while,

Yeah, alone for a while,

And I let myself cry it all out,

Three days afterward, I still wore a smiling mask to cover the crying river inside me,

Miracle is just one in a million, my mother told me, so I stopped myself for hoping that everything was just a long nightmare and I would wake up soon,

But, miracle did happen, in a different way,

In a form of supporting people,

It’s true that I was broken upside down, leaving no sign of healing point possible,

Yet, in between my shattered pieces, warm radiant glowed into me, arms were stretched to hugged me, and fingers ran to wipe the hidden tears,

Miraculously, I found love from everyone around me, something that was always surrounding me all along, but stayed unseen,

I couldn’t help but smile, feel beloved and grateful, as they all gathered around me and pulled me up,

My family, my best friends, my classmates, my ex-team-members, were people whom I miraculously found them taking my arms, keeping me strong, steadying me on my feet,

I still remember how it felt, when everything was torn into pieces and made me suffer for unimaginable pain,

I still remember everything, so perfectly,

Like it was happening this morning,

I could rehearse for so many times how the shattered pieces were attacking me,

I remember the pain so clear,

The wound is surely healing,

But it left me a scar within,

It’s my fate,

And I have accepted myself to be the one carrying it till my life ends,

It is something I could never erase from my past,

It will haunt me down, but I will get used to it,

It hurts, but I try my best not to let it burden me,

And although the scar will always be visible to anyone who has been watching me, I will be alright,

I will live on,

Always be alright, not just for my sake, but for everyone who has taken my hands, strengthening me,

I guess their love does make me strong,

Answering their wishes, I grow stronger,

This time, my reason is not me, but them,

They are, my single reason to close the story, and obviously, move on,

Ten days afterward, I made up my mind for the last thing I could do,

To make the ‘never sent’ be sent,

And I guess it had changed many people in process,

There were people who smiled at me gratefully for finding my old brave and optimistic self,

And there were lots of people who made myself speechlessly blinked as they said they’re inspired by me and my ability to move on, despite how huge the pain I’ve been dealing with,

And also people who jokingly (or not?) said that they suddenly hate the one that hurt me this bad,

But after the whole week and a half, I was getting the hang of it, to compromise with the empty feeling inside my chest.

Today, three weeks afterwards, I find myself walking through all the places full of memories, and I realize I will be here, working here, dedicating myself, for the rest of my life, in between all the memorable places which are now holding both happiest times and saddest one,

Every morning when I get here, I remember a lot of thing, about me, everyone, and all silly things I used to do with them,

These places, used to be the places which never fail to lift my belief, my hope and my dreams, all the things that were shattered instantly at that very second, three weeks ago, and I still able to see the glimpse of my past dancing bouncily in front of me when I let my eyes wander,

Memories aren’t to be blamed, I tell myself,

Although it was sad, overly like a hell at that very second, it’s also a part of my life,

It was a reality, the one thing happened to me,

I just have to simply accept it,

I stop blaming myself for believing silly things that obviously only real in my mind and never become reality,

I stop reading the biography I have been reading for three years, and I am ready to find a new biography to read,

Today, as I glance back to the vast sky, I remember again that morning, at that very second, realizing this big empty space inside my chest, waiting to be filled again,

And I smile at the whole three weeks I’ve been through,

Thought I’m still contemplating on how I should fill the emptiness, I am certain that somehow I’ll made it filled again, on a way or another,

Sighing, I close my eyes a bit and feel lighter,

Well,

Whose biography is vacant to read next?

January 31^st – February 1^st, 2012, a reflection of that very second,

A turning point of the ‘niichannitodoke’

#np Zanzou (Flumpool)

#np Cloud Smiles (Noburo Uematsu, instrumental)

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Okay, saya tidak merubah isi tulisan ini sama sekali, dan saya lupa apakah tulisan ini pernah saya posting apa belum. Kayaknya sih belum, hehehe..

Secara kebetulan, saya sedang ndengerin lagu Red punya Taylor Swift, dan sebenarnya ini beneran menggambarkan apa yang terjadi di bulan Januari ini. Tapi terus terang saja, waktu memang mampu menyembuhkan segala-galanya. Karena buat saya saat ini di bulan Desember, emosi yang luar biasa nyelekit seperti yang tergambar diatas, pada akhirnya menjadi hal yang biasa-biasa saja. Mungkin saya memang sudah berhasil belajar hidup tanpa terlalu berpijak pada masa lalu, tapi yang jelas, saya tidak lagi terbebani dengan apapun yang saya tulis di Januari. 

I am free, I am happy, and I have lots to believe.

Salah satu hikmah yang saya dapat dari flashback ke Januari adalah bahwa waktu adalah penyembuh, penjawab, pemberi keputusan yang terbaik. Waktu adalah tangan kanan dari Allah, karena Allah menggunakan waktu untuk membuka satu-persatu rahasia kehidupan.


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