this is one of the days when I want to put everything off and set sail to another galaxy.
I am going to whine here, lol
One of my bad trait is I don't like being underestimated, yet I expect people not to overestimate me. Not because I am afraid of expectation, but no matter how amazing I am (like how people frequently say about me), I want to live a life where I can do things without rush.
It's been a while since I feel a bit fed up with expectation.
Expectation that I will be able to finish everything before deadline is a mask, because I might be the mightiest procrastinator out there.
Expectation that I will be able to make good decision sometimes backfires, because I consider myself as someone not wise enough at some point.
Expectation that I will be able to solve any problem is exaggeration, because I don't like being in charge of solving problems.
Expectation that I will be able to lead flawlessly is not quite true, because I have little patience and might end up unable to delegate tasks.
Expectation that I will be able to always set aside my feelings and stay calm is too stretched up, because I can break down anytime.
I have been living up to many expectation no matter where I am, since I was a child.
And I won't deny that I do like being in the center of attention, where people appreciate my effort to do something good, to reach something people thought unreachable, and to be someone who is always dependable for everyone.
I like it when people depend on me, but I don't like it when people depend on me way too much to the point where I cannot even spare time for myself.
I like it when I can help people, but I don't like it when people stay down, unable to lift themselves up because life is not something that must be lived on pity.
I don't like to act upon my feelings most of the time, but I don't like it when I am being treated as someone who has no feeling, because "acting" and "having" are completely different things.
Even if I am in my worst state, I still have complete confidence that I will still do better than most people, almost in any aspect, almost in anything. Me without my armor is still a lot stronger than most people.
But it doesn't mean I like being invincible all the time.
I need a breather.
I need people to realize that behind all the happy-go-lucky and high-spirited exterior I have, I am still an ordinary human. I expect people to understand me, a being with soul and emotion, along with my roller-coaster-like mind and quirky behavior.
I understand that I am not easily understood, and I emanate those aura of being a high-and-mighty person due to all exterior appearance I give off most of the time. Those traits are part of me that I cannot erase. I am not myself if I appear all gloomy and dependent. I am myself if I appear bright and dependable. But the point is, it doesn't mean that I cannot be sad, or that I don't want to depend on people,
also, it doesn't mean I am invincible.
Even though I appear calm and collected when something huge hit me, it doesn't mean I don't get to cry. It is just that I don't like showing off my emotion. I won't tell people when I am breaking inside, or when I am about to tear up due to something that hurt me.
I don't like it when people know I let myself break down due to something. Because I like being bright. But honestly, I don't like it too when people fail to understand about courtesy and rub it off on my face.
Even though I appear like I never get sad, I have feelings and I can be broken as easily as other people. The only differences are that I don't let it show and I don't let it falter me too long. No matter how battered I am, I can expect myself to be as bright as I always be.
I understand that that's why people let themselves talk about something very traumatic for me like it was nothing. Because they thought that I won't be hurt by their words. Because they thought I won't be offended. Because they thought it wasn't traumatic for me at all.
When I said it like this, I can't help but blaming myself. I mean, people act like that toward me because of the persona I show them, right? lol
Even though I don't like being invincible, I can't help but being one. Though I have to accept the fact that it doesn't match with most people. Most people misread me, and it is partly my fault that I never even try to correct them, letting most people see only the bright side of me.
Though it is hard to be understood, I love myself. I am grateful that I am the way I am right now. I understand that even though I change myself, there will always be people who are unable to understand me. So I just have to... find someone who understand.
I guess... being an ambivert is very, very, hard.