Sabtu, 10 September 2016

Day 13: Bubbles


what breaks my heart the most is when I can no longer make a choice.



That is what I learn today.

Silly how I keep doing the same mistake over and over again.
Silly how I fail on learning, reflecting, introspecting my faults so far.


Along with those false decisions, options ran out.
Leaving me with no choice.
It surely felt like I almost ran out of that soapy liquid to blow.
I was too busy to make the biggest, shiniest, bubble, and I simply forgot that everything in this world is not infinite.

Which one was the best bubble again?
I could not remember.

Was I just being prompted to let go of another last straw again?
Did I really have to do that?
Or, was it really the last one?

How does the world look at me right now?
How should I look at myself right now?
Should I feel discouraged?
Should I feel free?
Should I throw away this little remaining in my hand?
Should I let all those bubble pop up before reaching the cloud?

Is there even a cloud to reach?
Or, did these bubble were determined to just disappear before reaching anywhere?




But there, deep inside my mind, the logic says, 'it is not the end,'
It is my ego speaking.
I cannot accept what is here in front of me. I cannot accept that I might just facing the wrong direction.
I cannot accept defeat.

While the other part of my mind is screaming to stop, I keep on doing the same thing, ruining many alternatives that come to me so far.

I realize that it is a mistake I cannot learn from.
I should have just throw it away, and look away.
But a part of me just cannot let it end.
I have walked so far, a bit too far to call it quit.

I just don't know when to give up.

I cannot cheer up the sky with as many bubble as I used to.
But I just cannot find the urge to give up.
Even if it means I destroy many doors to alternate universes, I keep on standing at the same spot as I always did.

I know the risk.
I might be completely broken if this last straw disappear and no more bubble can fly up again.

Silly how I am so willing to take the risk.

Why?

I guess, because I love this world I live in way too much to change it.
I want to be here.
I want to grow old here.
I never want to leave this place permanently.

This little feeling is enough to hold on the last straw.
I don't know the consequences, and I might just ruin more opportunities ahead of me.
And it breaks my heart knowing that there will be less and less choices as I keep staying.

But I have to make the last choice, then this is my choice:
I choose not to leave.


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terima kasih sudah membaca, have a good day!

siennra

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I am Enneagram type 7 with ENTP, highly imaginative, lots of flight of ideas, yield many hobbies and skills, and unsurprisingly extraordinary. Yes, why do people even bother to define themselves as ordinary while every soul is downright created as extraordinary? :p