Nobody Knows When the Last Goodbye Is

"It's okay, San, everything is going to be just fine. Just follow your heart. My prayer will always be with you, dear..." (Patrick, today, 31 May 2016, 6.48 pm)

Where was I?
Was I too high on the cloud?
Did I forget that I am a terrestrial being for once?

Cause I forgot.
I forgot how it feels to run out of time to actually let the world know about a very important thing.
I forgot how it feels to regret something because I did not have enough courage to make my dream real.
I forgot how it feels to have something important slip off of my hand.
I forgot how it feels to cry this much.

When was it?

Ah... four years ago, I have promised myself to never feel this way again.
Yet, I still did the same.
How silly.

As I exhale for the God-knows-how-many-times-already, I realize that ever since I made the promise, I never actually experience this kind of thing ever again.
I laughed at myself, actually, since I ungracefully failed.

But, this time around, just like that time, four years ago, I feel the same warmth.
When I held my mother this evening (and she looked at me as if I grew a pair of horn on my nose, but let me hold her anyway), I remembered all the encouragement sent to me around the same time. They gave me light when my star was stolen away. They brightened my path when I stumbled in the dark. They boosted my courage when I felt afraid to keep walking.

They become my stars.

Was that the last goodbye?
Was that the very last?
I am unable to draw the line between everything I saw.

But I realize, I am not someone who walk with no one by my side.
I have them strengthening me.
No matter what kind of decision I made, no matter how silly it is, I fully understand that I always have people who have my back.

I have a place I can return to. I have people who willingly listen.

And for that, I feel very very grateful.

I realized that I am not as strong as I predicted.
I realized that in the end, no matter how cheerful I was, I am still a human with double-edged feeling.
I can be sad. I can cry. I can be broken.
I am not as indifferent as I like to portrayed myself.

My, the road ahead looks a lot more unsure for me.
I guess I also forgot how God can easily flip around destiny.

But then again, with them by my side, I think I will be alright.
I really hope so.