"It's okay, San, everything is going to be just fine. Just follow your heart. My prayer will always be with you, dear..." (Patrick, today, 31 May 2016, 6.48 pm)
Where was I?
Was I too high on the cloud?
Did I forget that I am a terrestrial being for once?
Cause I forgot.
I forgot how it feels to run out of time to actually let the world know about a very important thing.
I forgot how it feels to regret something because I did not have enough courage to make my dream real.
I forgot how it feels to have something important slip off of my hand.
I forgot how it feels to cry this much.
When was it?
Ah... four years ago, I have promised myself to never feel this way again.
Yet, I still did the same.
As I exhale for the God-knows-how-many-times-already, I realize that ever since I made the promise, I never actually experience this kind of thing ever again.
I laughed at myself, actually, since I ungracefully failed.
But, this time around, just like that time, four years ago, I feel the same warmth.
When I held my mother this evening (and she looked at me as if I grew a pair of horn on my nose, but let me hold her anyway), I remembered all the encouragement sent to me around the same time. They gave me light when my star was stolen away. They brightened my path when I stumbled in the dark. They boosted my courage when I felt afraid to keep walking.
They become my stars.
Was that the last goodbye?
Was that the very last?
I am unable to draw the line between everything I saw.
But I realize, I am not someone who walk with no one by my side.
I have them strengthening me.
No matter what kind of decision I made, no matter how silly it is, I fully understand that I always have people who have my back.
I have a place I can return to. I have people who willingly listen.
And for that, I feel very very grateful.
I realized that I am not as strong as I predicted.
I realized that in the end, no matter how cheerful I was, I am still a human with double-edged feeling.
I can be sad. I can cry. I can be broken.
I am not as indifferent as I like to portrayed myself.
My, the road ahead looks a lot more unsure for me.
I guess I also forgot how God can easily flip around destiny.
But then again, with them by my side, I think I will be alright.
I really hope so.