January 2012. Losing.

Saya nemu tulisan saya ini pas sedang bersih-bersih leptop. Tulisan ini langsung mencuri perhatian saya dan saya tersenyum simpul saat membacanya. Begitu banyak emosi yang tergambarkan di dalamnya, jadi sepertinya saya memang menulis bukan pake tangan, tapi pake emosi, pada saat itu. Saya masih bisa menangkap kembali emosi macam apa yang saya alami saat itu.

Losing, sama sekali bukan awal yang diharapkan oleh siapapun di dunia ini, apalagi di awal tahun. Tapi itulah yang saya alami. Kejadian istimewa di bulan Januari ini menandai dimulainya kondisi life is never flat buat saya di tahun 2012. 

Tapi saat ini, saya bersyukur mengalami Losing di bulan Januari, kalau tidak ada kejadian ini, mungkin saya tidak akan se­-happy sekarang. A very huge impact though, but I am still alive, a better living instead.

warning: ini postingan yang panjang

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-at that very second-

It was (not) the hardest day in my life,

When my biggest nightmare came true, ah no, even I never had any courage to dream of it,

It’s always so dreadful scary for me,

Yet at that very day, it became reality,

I still remember how it felt, like it’s just happened this morning,

It killed my senses in the very second, made me unable to make any expression on my face,

I doubted I even remembered to blink,

I could imagine my face turned emotionless at that very second,

I still remember how it felt, when something seemed to stab me deeply and I have no strength to pull it out,

It’s an overly strange sensation, like something had been sucked out of my soul, leaving an empty cocoon behind,

At that very second, all my dream, hope and belief were shattered, by the very crashing power they could never handle,

Leaving nothing,

I still remember how it felt, fighting the urge to run away as far as I could,

I never even know how I could hold myself stay at that very place at that very second, and till some minutes after,

I never thought I could even talk back to people and smile with them afterward, whilst deep inside I was just like a walking corpse,

Maybe my emotion was too incomprehensive at that very second so I was somehow tingled and unable to feel anything due to the shock,

That’s right,

It was a huge impact shock,

I was blessed for having no cardiovascular disease so I am still alive to write this down,

All I could do when I was able to separate myself from anyone was to sit down and looked at the blue vast sky, trying to console myself,

All I could think is how, how I could be so numb, unable to feel any breeze cooling me down while the wind blew hard enough,

All I could say to myself is just one completely useless sentence, “atashi… jyannai ka na?”

I focused myself so I wouldn’t fall to the ground, knowing it would be so dreadfully funny if that really happened,

Yet my limbs went weaker and weaker, and I was about to fell down when I realize I need someone to talk to,

The first one I phoned was my mother, the one I always seek for courage and strength, yet by any wonder I couldn’t reach her,

For not letting myself grew weaker, I phoned my classmate, who happened to be around, just to tell her the same completely useless sentence, “not me,” and I asked her to leave me be for a while,

She agreed, after I told her I wasn’t crying,

I tried to phoned my mother again, hoping to find the strength as fast as I could,

Yet still, I couldn’t reach her,

Desperately forcing myself to be in control, I tried my hardest to think clear,

Deep inside I didn’t have any wish to burden anyone with this condition of mine, but I need someone, fast, just to be by my side, right there,

And then my memories flew by, portraying the happiest time I ever had, and I understand who I should call,

One of the very best friends I ever had through my life,

Leaving no more second to be hesitate, I called her, but soon after I hear her voice, I was unable to form a word,

Guess my lips were too tingled to say it aloud, the thing that breaks almost everything of me,

I didn’t have the strength nor did the courage to tell her what happen,

I was afraid to admit it as a reality,

All I could say to her was, “…wouldn’t you want to tell me a story about you?”

I could hear she frowned for hearing my request, and for an instant I remembered she was on duty last night, so all the best I ever could give her is a nice sleep, and that’s why I became more hesitated to say any more words,

Aside, my words were bottled inside, unable to be said,

My heart melted when I heard her asking whether I was alright,

‘I’m not!’ was the screaming voice inside my mind but I restrained myself for yelling it out loud,

‘She was always by my side, since I was in high school, and she never left me alone’ and that one consideration brought me closer to my tears,

I couldn’t stand the frustration as she asked me again whether I was alright, the tears had found their way to well up my eyes and it was ready to fall,

“Just tell me anything, anything, so I can forget, so I will not cry…” was the next sentence trailed off my throat, and I could hear she was shocked in silence,

The point of me crying was the point when she said, “I’ll be there soon, just wait for me, okay?”

Two teardrops had fallen before I ready to hold it back, I could feel all the emotionless state I had been in was swept away, being replaced by a huge surge of sadness, fear and disbelief,

And hatred,

How much I hate myself for being like that, how much I hate myself for crying,

And because of that hatred, I found my way back to the same emotionless state, and pulled back my fresh smiling face I used to serve to everyone,

And I walked back to the crowd, I let myself blend in the routine I had to do, I pushed myself meeting my classmates and laughed at them for worrying over me (because I called them earlier),

I guess I did a very great job, since nobody sense the waterfall falling behind my laughter,

For more miracles I did at that morning, I miraculously took my time to consult to my professor about my thesis theme,

I consider myself a weak person, but looking back at myself that day, I guess I was a very strong one,

Strong enough to hide my emotion behind my professionalism,

But I was soon become myself when my best friend found me later,

She asked me what happened, and I felt my face heated up, ready for the bursting tears,

But I hold back,

I didn’t want her to see me cry,

Yet she asked me to cry it out, once she knew what happened,

She knew how much it affected me, how deep in stabbed me, and how painful it hurt me,

As she stayed by my side through the whole afternoon, I found my strong wall was degraded little by little, leaving only the fragile me to be seen,

Two hours since she came and sat beside me, I cried,

It wasn’t a full out cries but it was enough,

I could feel the whole shattered pieces hurt me from all direction, and it was connotatively making me bleed all over,

I never experienced such pain, such fear, such desperation,

Such a surge to cry,

For the very first time in my life, I felt grateful that time never stop, because I needed all the pain, fear, and every bad feeling to slowly drifted away from me,

I needed my self-composure again,

I couldn’t bear seeing myself like that and I wish I could get up and find that it was all just a nightmare and never was a reality,

Yet it was a reality,

I came along with the same state of emotion hours later, when my family and friends caught up the news and one by one, everyone was asking me whether I was alright,

I could feel my heart broke, having no right to say that I was alright, yet I didn’t want to worry anyone,

So I told them I was alright,

But I guess everyone knew it was the hardest day I was stumbling upon,

I knew they understood my wavering emotion and they gave me my space to be alone for a while,

Yeah, alone for a while,

And I let myself cry it all out,

Three days afterward, I still wore a smiling mask to cover the crying river inside me,

Miracle is just one in a million, my mother told me, so I stopped myself for hoping that everything was just a long nightmare and I would wake up soon,

But, miracle did happen, in a different way,

In a form of supporting people,

It’s true that I was broken upside down, leaving no sign of healing point possible,

Yet, in between my shattered pieces, warm radiant glowed into me, arms were stretched to hugged me, and fingers ran to wipe the hidden tears,

Miraculously, I found love from everyone around me, something that was always surrounding me all along, but stayed unseen,

I couldn’t help but smile, feel beloved and grateful, as they all gathered around me and pulled me up,

My family, my best friends, my classmates, my ex-team-members, were people whom I miraculously found them taking my arms, keeping me strong, steadying me on my feet,

I still remember how it felt, when everything was torn into pieces and made me suffer for unimaginable pain,

I still remember everything, so perfectly,

Like it was happening this morning,

I could rehearse for so many times how the shattered pieces were attacking me,

I remember the pain so clear,

The wound is surely healing,

But it left me a scar within,

It’s my fate,

And I have accepted myself to be the one carrying it till my life ends,

It is something I could never erase from my past,

It will haunt me down, but I will get used to it,

It hurts, but I try my best not to let it burden me,

And although the scar will always be visible to anyone who has been watching me, I will be alright,

I will live on,

Always be alright, not just for my sake, but for everyone who has taken my hands, strengthening me,

I guess their love does make me strong,

Answering their wishes, I grow stronger,

This time, my reason is not me, but them,

They are, my single reason to close the story, and obviously, move on,

Ten days afterward, I made up my mind for the last thing I could do,

To make the ‘never sent’ be sent,

And I guess it had changed many people in process,

There were people who smiled at me gratefully for finding my old brave and optimistic self,

And there were lots of people who made myself speechlessly blinked as they said they’re inspired by me and my ability to move on, despite how huge the pain I’ve been dealing with,

And also people who jokingly (or not?) said that they suddenly hate the one that hurt me this bad,

But after the whole week and a half, I was getting the hang of it, to compromise with the empty feeling inside my chest.

Today, three weeks afterwards, I find myself walking through all the places full of memories, and I realize I will be here, working here, dedicating myself, for the rest of my life, in between all the memorable places which are now holding both happiest times and saddest one,

Every morning when I get here, I remember a lot of thing, about me, everyone, and all silly things I used to do with them,

These places, used to be the places which never fail to lift my belief, my hope and my dreams, all the things that were shattered instantly at that very second, three weeks ago, and I still able to see the glimpse of my past dancing bouncily in front of me when I let my eyes wander,

Memories aren’t to be blamed, I tell myself,

Although it was sad, overly like a hell at that very second, it’s also a part of my life,

It was a reality, the one thing happened to me,

I just have to simply accept it,

I stop blaming myself for believing silly things that obviously only real in my mind and never become reality,

I stop reading the biography I have been reading for three years, and I am ready to find a new biography to read,

Today, as I glance back to the vast sky, I remember again that morning, at that very second, realizing this big empty space inside my chest, waiting to be filled again,

And I smile at the whole three weeks I’ve been through,

Thought I’m still contemplating on how I should fill the emptiness, I am certain that somehow I’ll made it filled again, on a way or another,

Sighing, I close my eyes a bit and feel lighter,

Well,

Whose biography is vacant to read next?

January 31^st – February 1^st, 2012, a reflection of that very second,

A turning point of the ‘niichannitodoke’

#np Zanzou (Flumpool)

#np Cloud Smiles (Noburo Uematsu, instrumental)

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Okay, saya tidak merubah isi tulisan ini sama sekali, dan saya lupa apakah tulisan ini pernah saya posting apa belum. Kayaknya sih belum, hehehe..

Secara kebetulan, saya sedang ndengerin lagu Red punya Taylor Swift, dan sebenarnya ini beneran menggambarkan apa yang terjadi di bulan Januari ini. Tapi terus terang saja, waktu memang mampu menyembuhkan segala-galanya. Karena buat saya saat ini di bulan Desember, emosi yang luar biasa nyelekit seperti yang tergambar diatas, pada akhirnya menjadi hal yang biasa-biasa saja. Mungkin saya memang sudah berhasil belajar hidup tanpa terlalu berpijak pada masa lalu, tapi yang jelas, saya tidak lagi terbebani dengan apapun yang saya tulis di Januari. 

I am free, I am happy, and I have lots to believe.

Salah satu hikmah yang saya dapat dari flashback ke Januari adalah bahwa waktu adalah penyembuh, penjawab, pemberi keputusan yang terbaik. Waktu adalah tangan kanan dari Allah, karena Allah menggunakan waktu untuk membuka satu-persatu rahasia kehidupan.


back to Kaleidoscope

dewasa itu pengorbanan?

Bangun pagi dengan segudang rencana itu sudah biasa,
Mulai saat membuka mata, sejumlah jadwal terdisplay dengan otomatis : mulai kerjaan sbg young female in the house, harus berangkat jam berapa, apa yang harus dilakukan nanti di kampus, rencana pulang jam berapa, apa yang nanti harus dikerjakan setelah pulang, apa yang harus selesai hari ini dan apa yang bisa ditunda,

Sejak menjalani kehidupan ganda sebagai pengajar dan yang diajari, ada sekian banyak pagi yang seperti itu,
Berangkat pagi buta dan pulang saat matahari tenggelam bukan hal aneh,
Dan minggu lalu saya ngakak saat seorang mahasiswa dengan herannya bertanya, "lho dokter, kok tumben belum pulang?"

Eh what? Apa dek? Tumben? Hahaha XD

Anyway, pagi ini beda,
Membaca sebuah postingan di salah satu socmed saya sadar sesuatu,
Kapan terakhir kali saya bangun pagi tanpa mikirin hal seperti itu?

Ada berapa banyak hal yang terkorbankan dalam adulthood?
Berapa banyak sisi childlike yang masih dimiliki orang dewasa?

Biasanya saya melakukan getaway dengan cara main bareng teman-teman terdekat saya,
Namun seiring dengan kewajiban yang semakin besar, waktu pun terasa mungsret, ada banyak kesempatan getaway yang hilang begitu saja,
Entah karena saya yang berhalangan, entah dari pihak lain,

Akibatnya?
Beberapa orang memang masih berstatus soulmates saya walaupun berada jauh sekali,
Sebagian lainnya mengalami "ah ya sudah...", semacam itulah,

Nobody is to blame

Usia bertambah, maka kewajiban pun bertambah, itu hal yang luar biasa wajar,
Tapi memang sih, buat menjaga sebuah 'ship', kita butuh sacrifice,
Masalahnya adalah seberapa besar sacrifice yang harus dibuat dan mau tidaknya kita menjalaninya,

Rasanya tidak bijak juga menjadikan rutinitas sebagai kambing yang kecemplung aspal,
Tapi moga-moga saja setelah ini saya bisa menyeimbangkan semua hal yang ingin saya seimbangkan,
Bisa memperbaiki banyak tali silaturahmi sehingga tidak mudah putus saat lomba tarik tambang
#oposeh

Semoga Allah memberikan kemudahan, kelancaran rejeki dan kemampuan membagi waktu untuk saya dan siapapun yang membaca tulisan ini,
Amiiiiinn...

*written as a sign of flight of ideas, in between the pouring rain of a cold day*

posted from Bloggeroid

Ganbarimasu!

Sebagian besar orang menampilkan wajah simpatik saat tahu saya mengulangi lagi penelitian saya dari awal,
Sebagian lagi bilang 'sukurin!' dalam hati (hey i know you said that, i know you so well),
Sebagian bilang 'dia kena karma soalnya ini itu,'
Yah... Hahahaha XD

Tapi tak banyak yang tahu, bahwa diam-diam (karena blog gak bisa ngomong) saya bersyukur karena diberi kegagalan kemarin,
Saya jadi bisa mematangkan konsep tesis dengan lebih baik, menyadari lobang-lobang dalam penelitian yg kemarin saya lakukan,
Dan menemukan beberapa ide yang bisa saya share dengan adek-adek yang sedang mengerjakan skripsi,

Oh iya, dan saya bersyukur Allah memudahkan segalanya hingga saat ini,
Juga bersyukur bahwa sekian banyak dukungan dari banyak pihak masih mengalir deras,
Dan tak lupa saya bersyukur saya diberi dua partner kerja sehingga saya tidak sendirian,

In the end,
Saya tidak menyesali edisi penelitian gagal total yang saya alami bulan lalu,
Menemukan banyak hal yang menjadikan konsep tesis lebih matang adalah hal penting yang memang sepertinya perlu dibayar dengan satu kegagalan besar,

Dakara,
I can change my twitter bio to 'Life is Interesting',
Because obviously, segala kegagalan itu ada hikmahnya, segala perpisahan ada gantinya (jiah... ini pasti ada yang merasa tergantikan dan terlupakan lagi deh, padahal enggak),

Sebenarnya sih masalahnya bukan kalo kita lakukan sesuatu yang dianggap buruk terus kena karma, tapi emang ya gitu itu cerita yang ditulis sama Allah,
Dia pingin menunjukkan sesuatu,

Menurut saya, itulah cara Allah memberi tahu saya hal hal penting yang saya lupakan saat penelitian kemarin,
Maklum ini penelitian ini saya pimpin sendiri, saya yang harus memutuskan segalanya, membuat konsep sendiri dan menata segalanya sendiri,
Dan semuanya dari nol, karena saya belum pernah ikut penelitian manapun sebelumnya *i never know what a real research is, so it is surely like jumping into the jungle*
Sejuta hal saya pelajari dari proses pembuatan tesis ini, bukan how to research, tapi how to become a researcher,

Saya lebih suka menyelesaikan apa yang sudah saya mulai,
Dan,
Saya suka suka aja sih, mau ada apapun itu disana sini,
Lebih mudah menghadapi apa yang terjadi daripada membuang muka pura-pura gak kenal lho...
but hey, life is a choice, you choose, i choose,

posted from Bloggeroid

Strange

Strange is when everyone says it is wonderful,
Strange is when everyone says it is like a dream,
Strange is when everyone says it is ideal,
Strange is when everyone says i deserved it,
Strange is when everyone says i must grab it fast,
Strange, because even though i agree with them, i don't know where, what, when, and how to start,
f(-__-")

posted from Bloggeroid

seandainya...

Munculnya postingan ini disponsori oleh ibu saya yang tetiba bilang kalau dulu nyaris beli rumah di Perumahan G, Kota Malang,
Ibu juga cerita bahwa hal ini merupakan perdebatan yang cukup rumit dengan ayah saya, yang pingin beli rumah di Perumahan S, pinggiran Kota Malang,

Melalui perdebatan itu, entah bagaimana akhirnya orang tua saya sepakat beli rumah di Perumahan S, yang kemudian menjadi tempat saya tumbuh dewasa,

Nyaris 20 tahun saya merasakan hidup di Kota Malang,
Dan menyongsong tahun ke-20 inilah saya sadar sesuatu :

Seandainya...
Seandainya orang tua saya benar-benar beli rumah di Perumahan G, mungkin cerita hidup saya tidak akan seperti ini kali ya?
Saya tidak akan sekolah SD di SDN S VII,
Tidak akan sekolah di SMP 21,

Tidak akan bertemu teman-teman yang saya punyai saat ini,

Tidak akan merasakan lucunya akrab dengan teman-teman masa kecil justru saat kami sudah berkepala dua *coba ngaca*

Karena saat SD dulu saya tidak se-gank sama mereka sih...
Gank saya sendiri sekarang justru gak pernah tatap muka, soalnya takut pesek kalo bertatapan *sakit bo'*
Saya sekarang justru akrab dengan teman-teman yang dulunya biasa biasa aja akrabnya,
Soalnya dulu mereka sibuk flirting ke sasarannya masing-masing sih...
Ahahahaha XD
*merasa dikeplak seseorang*

Ada perasaan lucu bin aneh bin 'kok bisaaa,' gitu di dalam hati saat ketemu mereka,

Tapi satu hal yang pasti,
Kalo pas ketemu gitu ya, seakan balik jadi anak kecil lagi,
Trust me, ini paling kelihatan pas kami main ke Secretzoo (ini bahan yang pingin saya jadikan postingan blog tapi gak jadi jadi)
*yah namanya juga temen SD, kalo ketemu ya tingkahnya kayak anak SD*

Anyhow *kok jadi mbeleset gini sih dari judulnya?*
Berangkat dari cerita ibu saya diatas, saya sadar bahwa masa kini dibentuk dari masa lalu, sebagaimana masa kini membentuk masa depan,
Setiap pilihan yang kita buat, adalah kunci dari apa yang akan terjadi setelahnya,
Sedikit saja pilihan itu bergeser, kuncinya pasti berbeda, dan takdir pun berubah,

Ternyata, Allah memang mempertemukan kita bukan dengan orang yang kita inginkan, tapi dengan orang yang kita butuhkan,
Kalau seseorang membuat kita menjadi lebih baik, baiknya kita jaga dia, selalu, untuk selamanya,
*eh kok jadi lagu?*
f(-__-")



Yak, ini teori evolusi Darwin *kita kan anak SD yang pinter gitu lhoh...*

posted from Bloggeroid

think you can bring me down?

Actually i was laughing when i wrote this title,
Very funny,
Yet, veeeery interesting story,

Think we should make it a drama?
Let's give it a title: "i dislike you so i don't want you to succeed,"

Look here, i am laughing,
I mean, oh My God, you really go a very long way just to sabotage me?
Oh my,
You must really care about me,
And i am impressed,

This is the very first time in my life i got someone risking his/her innocence just to make me fail,
Wow,
Look it's reeeally wonderful thing,
I mean, you have some courage, big courage,
Here i am, clasping at you,
Excellent work,
Veeery good indeed,

God i wish i can stop laughing while i am writing this post,
Oh my,
I am so delighted,
Having someone so care about me,
And let me learn that experiment indeed a very risky thing,
You voluntarily made me learn that i have to keep my guard up,

How can i thank you?
If you want me to thank you by stop smiling and (maybe) laughing, you got zero with you bro/sis,
Because it is very funny story we're having right here,

Okay, fine with that?
Well, alright, let's make it straight,
Ehem...
If you want to bring me down so badly, you need to know the key,
The key to make me desperate, you know, not the key to make me failed,

I suppose you think i am going to be desperate?
What? Who? Me?
Come on, stop making me laugh,
Scratch like that will never ever kill me,
Noooo never ever kill me,

It will just make me laugh,
Like this,

So, since you have played the pawn then it is my turn,
I will make you desperate,
By getting what you think i can't get,

Think i will be crying?
Oh please... who do you think you're dealing with?
Some ordinary girls out there?
So I'd like to say that you're miscalculated for taking me as a victim,
Why? Because you're dealing with an extra ordinary girl right here,
A girl that absolutely grows stronger when she failed,

You know, i like to make people who hate me to hate me more,
It is a very interesting mission for me,

Needless to say, i am going to make you hate me more,
By succeed,

So, let me kiss you with all my love i have today,
Because today somebody has made me triple times stronger than he/she thinks i am,

Muach..!! <3>
:-*

posted from Bloggeroid

Menghilang!

Seorang teman saya sedang pingin menghilang,
Bukannya dia tukang sulap, bukan juga penyihir, tapi dia berharap bisa hilang sebentar saja,
Kenapa?

Saya juga belum tanya alasannya, tapi kayaknya saya tahu kenapa dia pingin menghilang,
untuk mengetahui siapa saja yang cukup peduli menyadari dia tidak ada,
mengetahui siapa saja yang cukup peduli untuk mencarinya, dan atau menunggunya kembali

Kalau saya menghilang, apakah orang-orang yang bakal mencari saya adalah orang-orang yang saya cari dan rindukan saat mereka tidak ada?

Atau malah gak ada yang nyari saya? Hahahaha XD

posted from Bloggeroid

Wallpaper

Istimewa banget wallpaper android saya,
Tenang saja, gak ada gambar wajah manusia atau lopelope dan semacamnya,
Tapi isinya mimpi.

Bukan mimpi saya, tapi salah satu mimpi seorang sahabat saya,
Dan tiap kali saya lihat wallpaper ini, saya ingat antusiasme dia soal mimpi tersebut.

Semoga suatu hari nanti, saat dia sudah berhasil membuat paludarium, saya boleh liat, hehehe :D



*wallpaper di hape saya bukan yang ini, ini cuman contoh*

posted from Bloggeroid

The Story of Us

 mungkin memang harus disetel ::: The Story of Us.

berasa liriknya mirip aja gitu

 ノビのことが。。怪しい気持ちがある。 ノビタが会いたいな。 

many people in my life

They come,
Some stay,
Some go,

Some i hold dear,
A few i fall in love with,
Many i be friend with,

Many people in my life,
Showing me good and bad sides of life,
Summoning my laughters,
Making me learn about life and living,

Sometimes i think fate is really playing game with me,
Bring me up just to see how strong i am,
Bring me down just to see how positive i am,

Many people in my life,
I prevail just to know that tomorrow will not be the same,
Life will constantly change,
Surprises will be waiting,
From God, from people,

People who went away,
Will be replaced with newbies coming,
Dynamically rolling up the wheel,
To the top, then fall again,

People who stay,
Close to me,
Keen to every change i make throughout the day,
Continously having me feeling blessed over and over,
I keep thanking God,

Simply said,
I love everyone around me

posted from Bloggeroid

your best friend marriage

Happy, yes of course,
Mixed with a bit of sadness.

She's like a sister for me,
She always has time for me,
She never let me down,

Attending her marriage triggered all memories i had with her since high school,
At that time, almost ten years ago, we didn't even know if 2012 will exist the way like this,
We grew up together, as a friend, completed with many fights we had,
But yet, we still found each other,

I called her Squidy,
And i still love her not only as a friend, but as a sibling,
And though there's no way i could turn back the time,
I know,
That we both had many happy times together,

Starting soon,
Sea will separate us from each other,
Oh my, i really gonna miss her so very much,
I really really reeeeaaalllyyy gonna miss her soon,

But that's the way it should be,
Isn't it?

Love you my sister,
My squidy,
Like always :)

posted from Bloggeroid

Yang Paling dan Yang Lebih

Kau pikir kau gagal? Yakin gak ada yang lebih gagal darimu?
Kau pikir kau bodoh? Yakin gak ada yang lebih bodoh darimu?
Kau pikir kau sengsara? Yakin gak ada yang lebih sengsara darimu?
Kau pikir kau menyedihkan? Yakin gak ada yang lebih menyedihkan darimu?
Kau pikir kau buruk? Yakin gak ada yang lebih buruk darimu?
Hey, nobody's perfect.
Kau takkan pernah jadi yang 'paling', karena pasti akan selalu ada yang 'lebih'.
Dan harus sadar bahwa 'lebih' tak selalu berlanjut jadi 'lebih baik', soalnya 'lebih buruk' pun juga banyak :p

Yuk, mari bersyukur, alhamdulillaahh...

@ FEB UB (ngisi waktu di parkiran sambil inget inget loper koran tadi siang. Makasi pak loper, sudah menginspirasi saya)

posted from Bloggeroid

penyesalan singkat

ada beberapa hal dalam hidup yang saya sesali karena sudah terkatakan.
terutama hal hal yang merubah sikon yang sudah-lama-seperti-itu menjadi out of my grasp.
tapi pemikiran selanjutnya yang muncul adalah:
jika saya waktu itu tidak mengatakan apa-apa, apakah saat ini saya tidak menyesal? atau justru lebih menyesal?

in the end,
berkaca dari pengalaman saya, tentang rasa kehilangan luar biasa yang saya alami gara-gara gak bilang apa-apa tahun kemarin,
saya memutuskan,
saya tetap memutuskan,
lebih baik menyesal karena mengusahakan sesuatu tapi gagal total daripada menyesal karena tidak melakukan apa-apa

penyesalan karena tidak melakukan apa-apa, adalah penyesalan terbesar dalam hidup saya.
apapun yang saya katakan, adalah cerminan hal-hal yang tidak ingin saya sesali,
sebenarnya.

posted from Bloggeroid

dear friend

I know I’m no longer a good friend of yours,

I can’t keep my words for you,

I keep leaving and leaving you,

I can’t be by your side when you need me,

I’m too busy with myself,

I’ve become too selfish to even recognize you,

At least, I know those are how I am in your eyes,

I keep my mouth shut,

As I look at you, swayed by feign,

Do you ever know how much I want to punch them out for taking you for granted?

Do you ever know how much I want to slap them out in front of your eyes?

Do you ever think how much I want to shout so they’ll leave you alone?

I always watch over you, even though I am unable to be by your side at all times,

Jobs have made me isolated from you,

You can blame me all you want, I will never blame you back,

Because I understand it is no use to fight you back,